Elf Bowling the Movie: The Great North Pole Elf Strike
My wife often says "why don't you just send it back", or "just pretend you've seen it" when referring to the amount of screeners, but I watch everything all the way through, extras and all.
I do wish that this time I had heeded her call and sent it back, for this is quite possibly the worst film I have ever seen.
Actually the story is more than that, it's about the creation of Santa. Santa is currently a pirate stealing toys from children on the high seas, yes that's what I thought! He's accompanied by his half-brother and crew, and he likes to play the crew at ten pin bowling on deck with his brother cheating the crew out of their bets.
One day they get caught and dropped into the artic ocean. They freeze and float across to the North Pole where they are rescued by the toy making elves that live there.
I'm losing the will to live just writing this! Well the elves have a prophecy that a bearded man just like this one will arrive and make them happy, for that is the only wish they have, to be happy all the time.
During a struggle over a magical ball, Santa throws it at a group pf elves knocking them over, they love it - something they show their appreciation for by making farting noises with their armpits.
Oh please. Anyway Santa strikes a deal with the elves, becomes immortal in order to be the Santa we know, although he and his brother still plan to rob them. However over time Santa falls in love with his job and the elves, and the film turns to the power struggle between he and his half-brother.
The plot is bizarre from the outset, but it's also pretty straightforward stuff disguised by all the weirdness.
The jokes are terrible, really they are painful, and the story plods along a rather predictable path, once the bizarre setups are out of the way.
Well that isn't entirely true, there are twists and turns in the story, but they usually just left me shaking my head and amused at the strange turn of events.
The film is made in rather bland looking CGI which has facial textures like wood. There are some passable moments, but compared to modern CGI, this isn't even up to the standard of videogames.
There's nothing much I can say about this strange film to either exonorate it or criticise it. Quite frankly it's dreadful.
Dolby Digital 2.0
Surprisingly the audio is rather good and does make use of the rear speakers.
The CGI is poor, years behind what we see today, however there are some better scenes.
None. Not a single thing. A plain menu, index, and the film. Terrible, even for a dire film.
I wasted my time watching this and couldn't find a single redeeming feature. Terrible story, poorly executed, all over the place, cheap CGI, and on and on.